Sunday, February 26, 2017

The Struggles

Sometimes I don't know what to write. All I know is that it helps me understand what is going on inside. I often times don't feel like I have anything important to share, but then the Lord reminds me that I'm just the pencil and He is the One writing to the world (is anyone else obsessed with Saint Teresa of Calcutta?). I hope and pray that this blog is a place of healing, that the Holy Spirit can move and work through me. I try to share very honestly about what is going on. I want you to know you aren't alone in your struggles, no one has it all together. Most of the time I feel like I'm a giant, tangled mess inside; constantly reminding myself to "just keep swimming". :p

Sometimes certain things will trigger feelings or memories from the past that will leave me feeling crippled in my pain and fear... recalling the void, the abandonment, the cage I had locked myself into. Now I realize that I wasn't alone, God has always been with me, and he surrounded me with people who were going through similar things. I was so scared of vulnerability that I wouldn't let anyone see what was happening in my heart. I was traumatized and afraid to look at all the wounds. I knew they were infected and in need of some serious care, but I wasn't strong enough to handle them. I knew that, so I avoided them. Avoiding them, however, made them spread like a rapid cancer, until it was to the point where I was almost entirely consumed by sadness. At that point, I realized only God was big enough to handle this disease. Only He has the tender, loving touch that my heart so desperately craved and needed. Allowing Him to dress my hearts wounds, was so painful. One at a time He'd help me face them. He couldn't do it all for me, but rather He did it with me. I felt like I was healing so slowly. In the movies people just kneel down to pray one night and everything is better. What was wrong with me? Nothing was wrong with me. God helped me with as much as I could handle at a time. I was not strong enough to face everything at once. Since my heart was so shattered, it took a long time to piece it back together... and I still am and probably will be for the rest of my life.

I look around, and I see so many people hurting. I can see it in their eyes and my heart just aches so deeply for them. I have always been an extra sensitive person, and sometimes I just wish I could take others pain away. I can't though. Sometimes God has so much to teach us through our pain. Maybe our pain is a blessing in disguise? Maybe it is sanctification? What if God is teaching, preparing and strengthening you for something big? Maybe we shouldn't look at pain as a burden? Maybe we should ask God to help us trust Him? He will remind us there is a bigger picture we cannot see right now, but we have to listen. What if what ever happening is a vital step in your life and in others? What if He is teaching you humility, love, compassion, kindness, patience? What if He is teaching you to rely on Him, and in order to do that, He has to take away the things that He knows you are relying on instead of Himself? What if He is giving you what you need, instead of what you want? He is a good father. He Loves us all so much.

I know that I don't always handle things with the humility, the love and the joy that I should. At least I know there are plenty more opportunities to practice, right? ;p I know I could have done things better, but I look back and I'm so thankful for all I have learned. I am only beginning to see all of the good things God has taught me and done through some lessons that were really painful, but yielded some beautiful things.

When I see someone hurting, I'm just trying to focus on loving them. Not taking the pain away, because Firstly: I can't. Secondly: it is part of a bigger picture I can't see. All I can do is love and pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ, and ask God to move me out of the way. He of course is not limited to my obedience, but I do believe that there is something extra special when we comply to His Divine Will in Love, denying our desires, and seeking His.

In Christ's Perfect Love,
Megan Marie <3

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

When it Doesn't Feel...

There are times when everything seems so real, so tangible. It is so easy to believe, because it feels real.

I can't only believe when it feels real and it is easy, though. I have to have faith that God is bigger and not limited to only being real when I feel like He is.

Jesus, I do believe, help my unbelief. When God isn't loving me in the way I want to be loved, but rather in the way I need to be loved, I have to trust Him. I hear of Him doing all of these radical and profound things for other people, which is wonderful. Honestly though, sometimes I feel forgotten. Why don't you do those things for me God? The truth is He is always doing things for me. Usually they are smaller things that don't appear as profound, but I have to choose to see them and be grateful. I have to have faith that there is a reason for this. I believe I'm not forgotten. I believe I am noticed and loved, but help my unbelief God.

You are not confined by the skewed reality I create. You are the creator of reality. Father, increase my trust in You.

It is hardest to believe when you don't feel tangible God, but it is then that it is most crucial for us to believe. It is then that there is immense opportunity for growth and trust.

Lord, I do believe. Help my unbelief. ~ Mark 9:24

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Rest in His Love

Surrendering to God’s will isn’t really a sacrifice at all. There are so many things I wanted, and looking back, I praise and thank God that He gave me what I needed and not what I wanted. Humility is one of the most beautiful paths to joy. Sometimes life cuts so sharply and oh so deeply. It hurts, but I’m grateful. I’m just grateful to be where God wants me. Sometimes the pain gets so intense, but it is only temporary, it is just part of the journey, and the growing. Uniting my sufferings to Christ’s is one of the greatest joys. Offering myself to God, is one of the most profound and lovely things. I don't need to worry about going through this alone (although I sometimes do worry). Even if people have abandoned me, the Lord hasn’t and never will. The journey was never promised to be easy, but it is beautiful. So very beautiful. I joyfully await the day when we can all be in Heaven together, rejoicing and united to Christ in pure Love.
Choosing God’s will instead of my own, isn’t a loss, but rather gain. When I give up everything and put Him first, He can more fully give Himself to me and I to Him. That is the most precious, beautiful and valuable gain I could ever ask for. Remembering that God won’t abandon me and that if He asks me to go somewhere I don’t want to go, or give something up I don’t want to lose, it will always be for His glory. That alone should be the greatest desire of my heart. I’m sad to say that isn’t always the reality. I have to constantly remind myself of this and probably will for the rest of my life. It is part of the journey. Sometimes the journey gets bumpy and overwhelming, but in Christ and His promises, His love and His Divine will… there is a peace despite what sometimes feels like uncontrollable chaos.
Let Him Love you... Let Him take care of you... He is big enough... and you are enough...

Rest in His Love...

Friday, January 27, 2017

A Letter to Every Young Lady

Sweetheart, please be patient with yourself... we are all still learning.

Be gentle with yourself... we all hurt, yet for some reason try to pretend we don't. 

Love yourself... you are beautiful because God created you with such a unique, beautiful heart. 

You were never asked to do this alone. It is okay if you don't feel strong enough. All of the wounds and scars that are sometimes to horrific for you yourself to even see, just lay them before our sweet Savior. It hurts, I know... but nothing is more beautiful and brave than vulnerability. Jesus wants to heal you. The thing is He is a gentleman, and will patiently wait until you give Him permission to tenderly dress your wounds. 

You, dear one are not alone. Where ever you are at, you can always turn to Jesus. You are never too far gone. 

These bitter tears that you cry, the aching in your heart, the fear that has crippled you... you weren't made to live like this. 

Your tears can become tears of joy. Your heart can overflow with compassion and love for others and even yourself. There is freedom. I know it doesn't seem possible, but in Christ there is freedom! 

Healing is a choice. Healing often takes time. Healing requires vulnerability, which is scary, but oh so very beautiful. When you have been limping for years because of deep, painful, infected wounds... as they heal you have to retrain yourself to walk normally again. Sometimes that takes time... and that's okay. 

"And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was greater than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

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Sunday, January 1, 2017

I'm not enough... I'm so much more

This is a letter I wrote to a few particular people who have deeply wounded me, one of those people being myself. I wasn't planning on publishing this blogpost (I was going to keep it between me and God), but I really felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to hit the little orange button in the corner of my screen. As you read, I encourage you to do your best to release any bitterness you have towards those who have hurt you... even if one of those people is yourself. Not everything will apply to you personally, but I pray this is a letter of forgiveness and healing (and keeping in mind, both are a process).

To everyone who has ever told me either by actions or words that I'm not enough: you're right... I am so much more.

To everyone who has ever told me that I'm too tall, too fat, too skinny, too... me: You are right. I may be/have been those things, but they do NOT define me. All of those things make up a part of who I am, but there is also so much more to who I am. Underneath all of the labels you have thoughtlessly given me, is a human being. You can try and define me. Truthfully for a long time I desperately sought your approval. I realize now, that I will never be enough for you. I will always want your love, but it is conditional... and that is something I do not need.

Every tear cried because of something you did or failed to do that hurt me, I forgive you. I am not saying what you did doesn't hurt, but rather I'm saying that I choose to be the stronger person and stop hurting others as a result of pain in my own life. I'm choosing to forgive you.

To every person who has used me: I know now that what you did is not my fault, even though you made me feel the need to blame myself for your selfishness. I realize that what you've done was a reflection of your heart. I did not deserve what you did to me.

To everyone who has ever told me that I'm not enough... you're right. Enough to you looks like two inches shorter, four sizes smaller, clearer skin, a whiter smile, flawless dancing, etc. If that is what "enough" looks like to you, then you're right, I'm not enough. I could torture myself and deny my heart of what I truly need... just to be enough for you. The thing is, I am so much more than those labels. I don't want to be enough for you anymore. I am so much more and so are you.

I am so sorry that you think the only way to make yourself feel better is to hurt me. I will never deny what you've done to me, but everyday, I choose to forgive you. Some days I don't feel like it. Some days what you've done is the source of my bitter tears. Some days the wounds in my heart ache and bleed more than other days. One thing I know is that I NEVER want to hurt someone the way you've hurt me. So, I choose to forgive. I am so much more... and so are you.

Every person has been hurt at one point or another. I can't control how they choose to live their life, but I can choose how I live mine. I can forgive those who have hurt me and protect those who are weak and vulnerable. Or I can let someone's wrongdoing against me make me bitter, and as a result take my pain out on the weak and hurting. I can become a predator or a protector. Nobody else can make that choice for me...

And you are right, I'm not enough... I'm so much more. I can bend over backwards to try and be enough for you, but your approval has always been conditional and selfish. Frankly, your opinion never should have mattered to me, but it did and I have the scars to prove it.

I can rest in knowing that all I am: my insecurities, my "flaws", my weight, my personality, my everything, is enough for God. That alone is enough for me and learning to believe it is part of the journey.

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Wednesday, December 14, 2016

When Your Best Isn't Enough... For the World.

What do you do when your best isn't enough? When you give everything you have... When you lose sleep over something... When you spend countless hours stressing and crying... When you are completely drained and you have absolutely nothing left... and it still isn't enough...

When you desperately hang on to the few things that are going right, and suddenly even those things are out of control and you crash, you fail... and the tears don't stop coming.

Who are you not enough for who? For yourself and for the world?

Your best will never be enough for yourself and for the world... The world tells you to be perfect, but all people are imperfect. People are flawed and make mistakes, it is part of our humanness.

How often do you give yourself room to make mistakes? You tell yourself it is okay to make a mistake, but secretly inside you know you would never show yourself mercy. When you make a mistake you ruthlessly beat yourself up.

No matter what is happening in your life right now, look at yourself in the mirror and say these words:

My best is more than enough for God.

It is hard, but do your best to believe it.

God is loving and merciful and when you beat yourself up over a mistake, it not only hurts you, but Him too.

Be kind and show yourself compassion. Remember that no matter what is happening, God loves you and He has a plan.

Sometimes it is in the breaking that our Fathers love is revealed.

In Christ's Love,
Megan Marie

2 Corinthians 12:10

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Deep down...


I know I am not the only one who has felt alone and misunderstood. Society tells us to be strong: not to show weakness, to suffocate our femininity, not to feel, that anything other than confidence is unacceptable, that we need to strive for physical perfection, on and on the list goes...

What society wants us to do is possible. However, it isn't healthy and it is not a road that will lead to true happiness; but rather a disconnection from the Lover and Creator of your heart. And that is a sure road to utter and complete misery.

Society's definition is not true strength. Contrary to what the enemy wants us to believe, vulnerability is one of the strongest things we can choose. Saint Teresa of Calcutta said we should "love until it hurts." Loving means to be vulnerable. When you are vulnerable you are going to feel, but not just the feel-good feelings. Loving is deeper than just good feelings. When you truly love (will the good of the other person), you are going to feel so many different things and that is okay and healthy. C.S. Lewis has a really beautiful quote that very beautifully explains love:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it careful around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

I also believe that there is great strength in being who God created you to be. God created women to be feminine, and just because we aren't like a man doesn't mean we are less or more important. "We are equally valuable, but purposefully different." Girl Defined. Embrace who you are. You will never be truly happy if you are trying to be someone other than who God created you to be. Saint Catherine of Siena said:

Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.

God created women with such a beautiful femininity. We feel differently. We think differently. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually we are different than men. That is okay. In fact, that is good. Femininity offers the world something unique and vital; and the entire world suffers when we suffocate our femininity.

In all things always look to God, because in Him is the truth.

In Christ's Love,
Megan Marie

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