I hated almost everything about myself. I remember being repulsed by my reflection in the mirror. The very few things I did like about myself, like my freckles or the way the sun highlighted my hair, were far outweighed by the countless things I thought made me ugly.
Every time I would lose weight, the pain in my heart increased substantially. I felt mentally trapped. I felt suffocated. I kept thinking that if I just lose five more pounds I'll be happy... Every five pounds I lost, the more my heart ached and bled. I remember crying myself to sleep, just wanting to smile and be free. But, I believed that dream was impossible for me. So, hating myself became an addiction. I didn't want to love who I was because I thought I was disgusting. I would only "love" myself if I could completely change!
After counseling and a very long road to recovery, I sometimes forget about the pain and the heart ache. I will go through and read my old journals and suddenly remember just how deep the pain cut and how lonely and trapped I felt. I believed so many of the enemy's lies. All the while, God was whispering to my heart just how beautiful I was and just how much He loved me. It took a long time before I started to believe that I was beautiful, not just on the outside, but also on the inside. I'm still learning how to love myself. It is a long, hard road, but I know in my heart that God loves me and not only does my heart break when I choose to hate myself, but so does His.
We are just like flowers, all different shapes, sizes, and colors, but we are all beautiful because God made us and loves us so deeply.