Sunday, January 1, 2017

I'm not enough... I'm so much more

This is a letter I wrote to a few particular people who have deeply wounded me, one of those people being myself. I wasn't planning on publishing this blogpost (I was going to keep it between me and God), but I really felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to hit the little orange button in the corner of my screen. As you read, I encourage you to do your best to release any bitterness you have towards those who have hurt you... even if one of those people is yourself. Not everything will apply to you personally, but I pray this is a letter of forgiveness and healing (and keeping in mind, both are a process).

To everyone who has ever told me either by actions or words that I'm not enough: you're right... I am so much more.

To everyone who has ever told me that I'm too tall, too fat, too skinny, too... me: You are right. I may be/have been those things, but they do NOT define me. All of those things make up a part of who I am, but there is also so much more to who I am. Underneath all of the labels you have thoughtlessly given me, is a human being. You can try and define me. Truthfully for a long time I desperately sought your approval. I realize now, that I will never be enough for you. I will always want your love, but it is conditional... and that is something I do not need.

Every tear cried because of something you did or failed to do that hurt me, I forgive you. I am not saying what you did doesn't hurt, but rather I'm saying that I choose to be the stronger person and stop hurting others as a result of pain in my own life. I'm choosing to forgive you.

To every person who has used me: I know now that what you did is not my fault, even though you made me feel the need to blame myself for your selfishness. I realize that what you've done was a reflection of your heart. I did not deserve what you did to me.

To everyone who has ever told me that I'm not enough... you're right. Enough to you looks like two inches shorter, four sizes smaller, clearer skin, a whiter smile, flawless dancing, etc. If that is what "enough" looks like to you, then you're right, I'm not enough. I could torture myself and deny my heart of what I truly need... just to be enough for you. The thing is, I am so much more than those labels. I don't want to be enough for you anymore. I am so much more and so are you.

I am so sorry that you think the only way to make yourself feel better is to hurt me. I will never deny what you've done to me, but everyday, I choose to forgive you. Some days I don't feel like it. Some days what you've done is the source of my bitter tears. Some days the wounds in my heart ache and bleed more than other days. One thing I know is that I NEVER want to hurt someone the way you've hurt me. So, I choose to forgive. I am so much more... and so are you.

Every person has been hurt at one point or another. I can't control how they choose to live their life, but I can choose how I live mine. I can forgive those who have hurt me and protect those who are weak and vulnerable. Or I can let someone's wrongdoing against me make me bitter, and as a result take my pain out on the weak and hurting. I can become a predator or a protector. Nobody else can make that choice for me...

And you are right, I'm not enough... I'm so much more. I can bend over backwards to try and be enough for you, but your approval has always been conditional and selfish. Frankly, your opinion never should have mattered to me, but it did and I have the scars to prove it.

I can rest in knowing that all I am: my insecurities, my "flaws", my weight, my personality, my everything, is enough for God. That alone is enough for me and learning to believe it is part of the journey.

Photo Credit

No comments:

Post a Comment