Sunday, February 26, 2017
Sometimes I don't know what to write. All I know is that it helps me understand what is going on inside. I often times don't feel like I have anything important to share, but then the Lord reminds me that I'm just the pencil and He is the One writing to the world (is anyone else obsessed with Saint Teresa of Calcutta?). I hope and pray that this blog is a place of healing, that the Holy Spirit can move and work through me. I try to share very honestly about what is going on. I want you to know you aren't alone in your struggles, no one has it all together. Most of the time I feel like I'm a giant, tangled mess inside; constantly reminding myself to "just keep swimming". :p
Sometimes certain things will trigger feelings or memories from the past that will leave me feeling crippled in my pain and fear... recalling the void, the abandonment, the cage I had locked myself into. Now I realize that I wasn't alone, God has always been with me, and he surrounded me with people who were going through similar things. I was so scared of vulnerability that I wouldn't let anyone see what was happening in my heart. I was traumatized and afraid to look at all the wounds. I knew they were infected and in need of some serious care, but I wasn't strong enough to handle them. I knew that, so I avoided them. Avoiding them, however, made them spread like a rapid cancer, until it was to the point where I was almost entirely consumed by sadness. At that point, I realized only God was big enough to handle this disease. Only He has the tender, loving touch that my heart so desperately craved and needed. Allowing Him to dress my hearts wounds, was so painful. One at a time He'd help me face them. He couldn't do it all for me, but rather He did it with me. I felt like I was healing so slowly. In the movies people just kneel down to pray one night and everything is better. What was wrong with me? Nothing was wrong with me. God helped me with as much as I could handle at a time. I was not strong enough to face everything at once. Since my heart was so shattered, it took a long time to piece it back together... and I still am and probably will be for the rest of my life.
I look around, and I see so many people hurting. I can see it in their eyes and my heart just aches so deeply for them. I have always been an extra sensitive person, and sometimes I just wish I could take others pain away. I can't though. Sometimes God has so much to teach us through our pain. Maybe our pain is a blessing in disguise? Maybe it is sanctification? What if God is teaching, preparing and strengthening you for something big? Maybe we shouldn't look at pain as a burden? Maybe we should ask God to help us trust Him? He will remind us there is a bigger picture we cannot see right now, but we have to listen. What if what ever happening is a vital step in your life and in others? What if He is teaching you humility, love, compassion, kindness, patience? What if He is teaching you to rely on Him, and in order to do that, He has to take away the things that He knows you are relying on instead of Himself? What if He is giving you what you need, instead of what you want? He is a good father. He Loves us all so much.
I know that I don't always handle things with the humility, the love and the joy that I should. At least I know there are plenty more opportunities to practice, right? ;p I know I could have done things better, but I look back and I'm so thankful for all I have learned. I am only beginning to see all of the good things God has taught me and done through some lessons that were really painful, but yielded some beautiful things.
When I see someone hurting, I'm just trying to focus on loving them. Not taking the pain away, because Firstly: I can't. Secondly: it is part of a bigger picture I can't see. All I can do is love and pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ, and ask God to move me out of the way. He of course is not limited to my obedience, but I do believe that there is something extra special when we comply to His Divine Will in Love, denying our desires, and seeking His.
In Christ's Perfect Love,
Megan Marie <3