I have been deeply wounded. I am a very sensitive person. I was physically very sick with autoimmune diseases and due to emotional abuse, past trauma and some family problems, I coped by finding something to control. Anorexia took over my life and quickly destroyed myself.
The more I tried to control food, people around me and my environment the more out of control I felt. I cried myself to sleep every night. I was so unhappy, broken hearted and confused. I was afraid and felt abandoned, very often hopeless.
I was disgusted with myself and couldn't think of a reason in the world why God would love me. I just wasn't enough.
Through it all I still prayed daily and went to Mass, but the joy was missing. This went on for about two and a half years.
One day I came across a blog: Made in His Image. The eating disorder and abuse testimonies were so hard for me to read because I related so deeply to many of these young women's pain. I was still in denial regarding my eating disorder, though.
One day I was in the kitchen and my mom was in the living room and I just started crying, my heart was so wounded and hurting so deeply, I said to my mom, "Mom, I think I might be anorexic." I had no idea where these words came from. I was in shock. It had never even occurred to me that I was anorexic. I believe now that the Holy Spirit spoke through me to myself and my mom that day.
Even though I did not like the idea of having anorexia, it made sense. I thought food was how I was "fixing" the problem, not a way of coping for a bigger and deeper hurting in my heart. I was not excited about going to therapy and having to gain weight, but I honestly came to the point where I was so sad and depressed I was willing to try.
I started going to counseling when I was sixteen years old. One of the scariest things I have ever experienced, but also one of the most beautiful.
My counselor has been such a beautiful blessing in my life. With time God helped me heal and gain weight through her.
I have an analogy to help describe what happened in my heart:
Picture a conflagration. Everything is burned to the ground, you are left with nothing. Flowers, trees, house, everything... gone.
In total devastation, a rain shower comes. Slowly one little flower pops up and starts to grow. Brighter, stronger and prettier than before the fire; bringing hope. Soon many more flowers follow and before you know if the field is covered with flowers!
Well, that is what happened in my heart. There was a fire which stripped me of everything, left me devastated and with nothing. Then, in total brokenness, the Lord said to me, "You are enough." Slowly flowers started to grow and bring hope and joy back to my life.
Fulton Sheen said, "Broken things are precious. We eat broken bread because we share in the depth of our Lord and His broken life. Broken flowers give perfume. Broken incense is used in adoration. A broken ship saved Paul and many other passengers on their way to Rome. Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them." This quote has helped me to see my story as beautiful and purposeful. I realize now that God has loved me through it all.